Dangers of hyper-sexuality in a relationship - ITREALMS

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Ugonna and Chris (not real names) had been dating for a year, six months into the relationship Chris discovered Ugonna had a serious sex addiction problem, he spoke to her about getting help, but she insisted there was no issue, but deep within herself she knew that she had a major sexual behavior challenge. She secretly did research online and found out she was suffering from hyper sexuality also known as sexual addiction.

One day Ugonna had an official meeting with a few colleagues and felt a sudden urge to play with her private part. She reached out to her clitoris and gently started rubbing it, few minutes later she got an orgasm. Unknown to her a colleague had seen Ugonna reaching under her skirt fondling her private part, a feeling of disgust and shock passed through her colleague. She immediately told other people later that day, one of them being a cousin to Chris who quickly called his attention to Ugonna’s disturbing behavior on that day.

This is one of many examples of what people experiencing sexual addiction face. When a person deals with sexual fantasy sometimes combined with non intimate sex, combination pornography; compulsive masturbation and other intimate behaviors. Anyone who has a partner exhibiting such symptoms should be on the alert. These can come in various forms like

* intense sexual fantasies and orgies that take up all your time and are out of their control, even when you try to help them.

*You have an argument with them or they go through a tough time at work or any situation and the next thing they do is to engage in sexual behavior that has serious consequences (for instance, fondling private parts more than once unconsciously in public) or

* you discover your partner has trouble establishing and maintain a healthy relationship with you, with some sexual fantasy that may not agree with you.

This can lead to so many complications, which are numerous, from struggling with shame, they develop mental conditions in addition, you partner keeps lying about the situation, your partner shows signs of depression and is most times caught engaging in sexual activity especially through the internet. In some cases, when your spouse is unable to functional normally in a social gathering and environment they end up losing their job and ability to relate properly with people, accumulating debts everywhere, or worse of all give you sexually transmitted infections.

“Why is my spouse like this for goodness sake?” you may say. You are not the only one experiencing this, problems connected to pornography, cheating, have effects on the partner’s life. If you can safely rule out the case of any disorder, then you can face the addiction problem head on. If a partner has a problem with masturbation and you notice they spend so much time let’s say from 6 hours and above viewing pornography, chat room, dating apps, webcam while you are sure that you are physically and emotionally available for them. Then you need to act quick to address this problem. some have lost the will for discipline and even watch porn while at work, stay up all night watching porn and would prefer calling in sick instead of addressing how this behavior is affecting your love for them and health.

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The truth is your partner could be having issues with anxiety and depression. It could be that it is not “addictive” but a means to reduce” stress”, boredom, low mood.

Are you and your spouse having a mismatch in sex drive? It is common to accuse a partner of being sexually insatiable all the time and yet you are the one that has a low libido, so low that compared to the average person, your performance level is poor. There are cases were women set time table for sex once in a month, probably on birthdays, Christmas day and maybe valentine’s day, anything else is no no! The implication of this is that your spouse may end up patronizing the service of strippers and sex workers to have as much sex as they wish, they love you and don’t want to divorce you, so would rather keep going to sex workers to keep the home. This CAN NOT LAST. Or do we talk about the men who prefer having a new sex partner every week, and decide they do not want the stress of monogamy. In some cases, if they are very attractive they ensure they indulge in sex to the full. Let’s not even talk about the ones that love “kinky sex” playing with “dangerous” life threatening “toys”

If you think your partner may be hypersexual, ask yourself if their sexual behaviors cause you harm or distress, or impairment in your daily functions including those they relate with generally. The best way to help them overcome this behavior, is to address the underlying issues driving this behavior, as opposed to focusing on the sexual nature of them. Honesty is very important here, denial of your spouse in this issue cannot help recovery, they need all the support they can get. Counselling with a mental health professional might also be helpful when working through these problems.

As a society, (maybe because of dictates of our culture) we need to stop stigmatizing people around sex, it leads to pain and suffering the dark. Let us address the issues from the root cause, if your spouse is going through self-denial, you need to be gentle in showing them the way. Or else you will be hindered in having an open discussion which can help you know the exact help they may require. These few steps can help

· Know and understand what the exact issue is

· Know what to do after identifying this issue with your spouse

· Help your partner know themselves

· Help them to be willing to communicate by showing love and not disgust

· Seek for counselling - medical or mental, they must accept either or both of the options

· Avoid procrastination: if your spouse is actually enjoying the destructive nature of this challenge, and have no control, then you need to decide if you can bear it or not procrastination in dealing with the issues on ground can destroy you both

A few friends always ask Ishioma, how can this be avoided? I don’t have an exact answer or science to this, but I can say some things for sure, you need to RUN from risky situations. If you are familiar with the story of Joseph when he was escaping from Potiphar’s wife, it is said that he fled for his life, RUN as fast as you can but the first thing is to own up if you or partner is facing this, that is the first stage to healing.

Ensuring you avoid risky places or things that can trigger it will help with time, it is a battle your spouse may not be able to win alone, unless he or she has a very strong will to actually stop or seek for help. It is a battle that can be won Together!! I wish you all the best.

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